Kids of Character
This is the rough draft of Pastor Steve’s message from the second week of “Raising Home Run Kids” on September 15, 2019. We hope you find this helpful as you pursue your next steps in Christ
“Wouldn’t you say that there are some advantages in being an adult over being a kid? What do you think? For instance, when you are an adult, one of the advantages that we should have is that we know more. We know more because we have experienced more. We’ve been through more. We’ve seen success and failure. Time alone should produce in us a greater knowledge of life, of faith and relationships. You with me?
For instance, one of the things we should know now as an adult that we didn’t know as kids is this. One thing leads to another. Our choices have some kind of consequence later attached to them. If you make a right decision here and now, there is a good pay off later. If you make a bad decision now, there is often a negative consequence later. The cause and effect decision process of life happens all of the time. But one of the best places to watch poor decision making is on a trampoline. Take a look.
One thing leads to another. It happens on a trampoline. It happens with our finances. It happens in faith. It happens in our relationships. Let’s focus on consequences for a moment. We know that if we do stupid things emotionally, morally or even sexually, there is something to pay on the other end. Why? Because in life, no matter what you believe, one thing always leads to another. So, what would it take for us to raise kids that know that? What would it take for us to show our kids to not make the same kinds of mistakes we made? What would it take for us to give them wisdom to make better decisions now because one thing leads to another?
Last week we began this series called, “Raising Home Run Kids” and the idea behind this series is to help parents help their kids succeed in life. But what does that even mean? What does a homerun kind of kid look like? God’s Word gives us several principles to help guide our kids. In fact, we said these principles are not simply for parenting, but they are for all of us. If we can live them out, we can live the life that God designed us for.
So, what does a homerun kid look like? Homerun kids love God first. Right out of the gate, what you do with Jesus matters. We illustrated it with a baseball diamond. Each baseball field has a series of four bases and you always start at home plate. Last week, we said that home plate for you and is all about being connected to God. We’ve said that over and over again here. What you do with Jesus is your turning point. Your decision about him impacts the rest of your life. So, if we are to raise home run kids, we must raise them in a way where they love Jesus first. We show them what it means to be connected to Jesus. That means we need to be intentional as parents. Not accidental. Intentional time, intentional talk and intentional truth. Those things are foundational and are what will help your child live a spiritually alive life. And in turn, become spiritually alive adults.
Today we are going to add a layer to that. Homerun kids need character rooted in Christ. That’s the next base on our illustration here. Character matters. Choices matter. Relational choices matter. That’s all rooted in our character. And just like in the game of baseball, this first base quality only happens when we help point them to Jesus first. You can’t skip a base in baseball because each base is sequential. You can’t skip a step in the character development of your child either, because they too are sequential and build upon one another. Paul gives us some evidence of this one thing leads to another principle.
For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. 14 For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14
When we become a follower of Christ, we are free from our past. The old is gone and we are new. So, don’t use that freedom to do what you want. Use that freedom to care for others and to love others.
But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another. Gal. 5:15
If we don’t use our freedom in Christ to value others, what happens. We destroy each other. Paul says in these two verses, one thing leads to another. When you love others and when you don’t this is what it leads to.
This tension that we read about here is something we all experience in life. We love others and sometimes we don’t care to love others. It’s a tension between personal discipline and emotion. In fact, when it comes to leading our children, we see this tension play out in how we lead them as well. Here are two extremes. One, we rule by discipline without no emotion. This is the mindset that kids should be seen and not heard. You do what I told you to do no matter what. I’m in charge, you’re not. This kind of parenting is all rules and no relationship.
I had some teacher like this in middle school. One day I was making fun of one of my friends in class and so I hit him in the face with a rag in shop class. Somehow, someway I found myself being disciplined by the gym teacher. Not sure how that happened when I acted up in shop class. Now, this was in the day where teachers still could spank students at school. Yup! I had this gym teacher, his name was Mr. Spiker. And I’ll tell you, baby, he was Mr. Discipline. He was all rules and no emotion. I’m in his office, and with no emotion, he told me to bend down, grab my ankles and not to move. He then proceeded to give me the paddle right on the butt. Right there in his office. Yes, I was like 13. No emotion. No connection. I just broke the rule.
Some of us have parented this way too. The problem with this kind of parenting is discipline without emotion is insensitive. Knowing what is right but having no compassion, no connection and no engagement with your kids leads to resentful kids. You may be right, but your kids won’t care because you come down too hard too often.
A second extreme is this; we rule by emotion with no discipline. If the first form of discipline is over correcting, then this form is under correcting. Even if there are rules, they don’t matter because we go by what we feel. We go by the moment. Feelings are in the driver's seat. Feeling make the decision. Feelings trump everything. So, our kids get away with whatever they want. We don’t emphasize boundaries because we don’t want to upset. We don’t want to say no to our kids because we want to be popular and be their friend. The challenge is that emotion without discipline is immature. It shows our immaturity. It does. But if we take this approach to discipline to our kids, they will grow up and be equally as immature.
So Paul says, “Hey, you don’t believe me? Let me give you some evidence. I’m parenting this new thing called the church. And I’ll tell you what, this new church thing needs direction and discipline.” Remember, the church was brand new. He says, “let me help you with one thing leads to another reality of life.” So, he gives advice to us.
So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. Gal. 5:16
The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. Galatians 5:17-18
Even as you follow Christ, there is an inner battle inside of you. There is an MMA cage match going on between your own selfish desires and what God desires for you. So, if that is happening in you, don’t you think that will be happening inside of your kids? YES! So, we have to help our kids see that and understand this battle. We have to say on a regular basis, “you are going to be tempted to do what is wrong. You are going to want to do what is easy. You are going to react and do what you feel. But don’t live that way.” There is a better way.
So, how do I raise a homerun kid? Teach them to live with self-control. When I think of teaching self-control, I have to show my kids that if you don’t have control, this is what happens. Lacking self-control brings pain. If you react to what you feel, here are the results. In fact, Paul gives us evidence of that kind of life.
When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. Galatians 5:19-21
There’s not a single person in this room, I believe, that can push back on that. You know why? We’ve lived it. When we were led by our emotions, that is what happened. Why? Because we live in a world where one thing leads to another and when we lack Holy Spirit led self-control, it hurts, it damages and it maligns. This type of feelings led living, it’s immature and unproductive no matter what our culture says. It’s like jumping on a trampoline without a safety net. It’s fun for a while until you hit the edges. Then look at the results.
So, we have to translate this to our kids. It has to be different at each age level but it must be consistent. You are going to feel like doing this and the result will not be good. You are going to want to lie, and if you do, you will lose trust with us and you will lose a privilege. You are going to want to send something through snap chat that is raunchy and if you do, you could lose your reputation or even your scholarship. You are going to want to interrupt me, which is disrespectful when I’m on the phone talking to someone else. If you do that, you will sit in a timeout and lose your toy for the next 30 minutes.
When Ellie and Christian were toddlers, they were so active; especially Christian. When we lived in Michigan we had this beautiful fenced in backyard and we could let them go to town and we knew they would be ok no matter what. Christian was able to stay active. He would get so sweaty and so dirty. Ellie often did too because she would follow Christian into whatever mess he made.
One day, we let them get messy. We turned on the hose and placed it on this small circle of dirt in the backyard. Pretty quickly it turned into a mud puddle. They would run from across the yard and jump in this mud puddle like they were jumping into a pool. Mud would splash everywhere. Then, it leads to scooping out mud pies and putting mud pies on their heads. By the end of the day, they both looked like this. It was fun and it was cute.
Here’s my point. It’s cute when they are little playing in the backyard. It’s funny when you are where with them. Our goal as parents though is to equip them in such a way where they don’t muddy up their lives.
We do that by openly talking about the battles we face and they face. We do that when we teach them that you can’t always do or react in the way that you feel. That kind of living muddies up your life.
Paul then contrasts another way of living. He shows us what happens when we live with self-control.
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentlenesses, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Galatians 5:22-23
When we practice self-control, the results are so much better. So, we teach our kids this. Having self-control brings life. When we listen to God’s voice in our lives, more than our feelings, great things happen. Again, you know this because you have lived it. When we respond to God’s voice rather than mine, I can have real peace deep in our soul. When we listen to the Holy Spirit in our lives, we are actually kinder to people. When we listen to Jesus centered self-control, we have joy. You know why? Because we know that joy goes deeper than another car, another dating relationship or more money. Jumping on the trampoline can be fun and can be life-giving if we do it with the net that God gave us. That net is the guard rail of self-control.
So, again, we have to live this and teach this so gets shaped into our kids. Be consistent. Shape it differently at different ages in their lives. Show them, “when you practice self-control, life is so much better.” When you put your toys away the first time I tell you, I love that. When you are obedient, that makes me happy as your parent and I want to reward you with a snack. When you are a friend to that little girl at school that everyone else picks on, that is so awesome. People will notice your kindness and they will want that too. The other day one of my kids owned something and apologized to different people in our family. When that happened, you know what I said. “Good, it’s about to time you loser.” No, I said, “you know what? That’s a very mature response. That’s spiritually mature. Thanks for owning that. I’m proud of you for doing that.”
With that in mind, here is another way to look at it. Think delayed gratification. We live in a world where we don’t practice that. We have to have things now. When I’m bored, I pick up my phone. When I buy something, I don’t have to go to the store because Amazon gets it to me in a day now. In our home, we are constantly connecting the idea of delayed gratification with our kids. Here are a few things we have said and what I have learned from other parents. You can steal them if you like. Maybe you have some better ones, please tell me.
Here we go. “Is that a need or a want?” Helping our kids discern the differences between needs and wants, that will go far in life. What do you need for your class and what do you want? Do you think you want a new iPhone or is that a want? By the way, I’m going to offend you, teenagers. No teenager needs $800 iphoneX. “If you are bored, you can do something about that.” In other words, your job as a parent not to entertain your kids. Get them to think about how to figure out their boredom. If you are bored, you know what you can do? Go play. Read a book. Draw. Ride your bike. Do some art. Clean up your rooms.
By the way, parents, let me go off on a tangent for a bit. I would say, avoid putting technology in their hands to take care of the boredom. In fact, when it comes to delayed gratification, you have to get a handle on technology with your kids. You have to. You know why? The evidence that is out there for our kids and technology usage, it’s awful. Study after study after study shows that this generation of students and kids are the most depressed, have the most anxiety and are the most suicidal. I’m not exaggerating at all. You can check out the data for yourself. And do you know the number one reason for all of this? Technology and social media.
I’m not a prude when it comes to this. We have technology and we use it. We have rules and we communicate with our kids. Our kids, in turn, are building trust with us. And when trust is broken, it is limited or disappears for a season. Ask my kids, they don’t like it. Yet, I feel like we are able to avoid some land mines and work on this issue of self-control because we are engaged with this. So, let me give you three words when it comes to technology. Wait. Wait to give your kids a phone and wait even longer to give them social media. Resist the pressure from other parents. Resist the pressure that “all my friends have one.” It doesn’t matter. We as a culture are letting our kids face things today that are way too grown up, way too aggressive and way too dangerous. And guess what? We put in in the palm of their hand with little instruction or accountability.
Keisa and I were sitting in a parenting conference in August and the speaker cited statistic after statistic for parents on the dangers of social media today. He cited the growing issues of sex trafficking, suicide, bullying and sexting that are destroying our kids. And there is evidence that this generation is growing up addicted to their phones. He said it his way, “hey parents, you know how addictive and dangerous crack is. So you would never place in the hands of your children. You know how destructive binge drinking is among teenagers right? So you would never put a beer in their hands. The is happening with kids and teenagers today with technology, and we gladly put what is destroying them right in their hands with little thought.” It should scare us, parents!
Steps. When it’s time to move to a phone, think small steps. Give them an old phone, not a brand new $800 phone. That’s a step. Give them one social media account. That’s a step. Give them specific times during the day they can and can’t use their phone. That’s a step. And as you feel trust is being established, you can take bigger steps. When trust is broken, you pull back. Monitor. You can’t just give your kid a phone and provide no accountability. Remember it’s a want to have a phone, not a need. Remember parents, you bought it. It’s really yours and they get the privilege to use it. So, you as a parent, you should have access and all passwords to all accounts. You should be able to, at random, look at anything on their phone. And if you struggle with the monitoring part, install a device or software that helps you monitor and helps your kids make wise decisions. Why do this? It teaches self-control. It teaches delayed gratification.
One more phrase. “Do what is hard first, then have fun.” Now, that’s not only a Biblical principle but a principle that will help them in everyday life. Here are a few ways that play out. “Do your homework first, then you can play video games. Get your chores done first then you can go out and shoot ball. If you give away 10% of your money, save 10% of your money, then you can live off and enjoy the rest.” When you and I teach our kids delayed gratification we are teaching your kids self-control. That, in turn, produces maturity in their lives. And at the end of the day, don’t we want them to be those kinds and later adults? Absolutely yes!
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. 25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. 26 Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another. Galatians 5:24-26
That is the goal for our lives. We daily take the sinful desires of our lives and with God’s strength, crucify them. Then as those things die, we choose to live in a spirit-led, way. That is a home run kind of life. Parents, that is what we should want for our kids. We want them to live Jesus centered, self-controlled, life-giving lives. Because if they can do that now, that’s the kind of adults they can also become.
So, in your notes today, I have some things for you to wrestle with as parents and for each of us that are pursuing Jesus. Let’s start with parents:
What rules more of your child’s life? Their desires Spirit? Why?
What is one thing you will do to help your child practice more God-honoring self-control?
For the rest of us;
What rules more of my life? My desires or God’s Spirit? Why?
What is one thing I need to do or change to have more God-honoring self-control?
Let’s take some time today to think through these questions and allow God to speak to us.”