Relationally Capable Kids
This is the rough draft of Pastor Steve’s message from the third week of “Raising Home Run Kids” on September 22, 2019. You can also watch the message here. We hope you find this helpful as you pursue your next steps in Christ
“When I went off to college I was learning what it meant every day to move from being a teenager to more of what it meant to be an adult. Let’s just say that some days were better than others. One of the moments that I still remember today is ordering my first pizza. Now, I didn’t have much experience doing this because I grew up in a home with a lot of kids and we didn’t have a ton of money. It just costs too much for 7 people to go out to eat or order in. But in college, I ordered my first large pepperoni pizza from Dominoes.
The delivery guy came up to my dorm. He said something like, “that will be $6.” I did as the man said and I handed him $6. He said back to me. “Is that it?” I was confused. I didn’t know what he meant. I thought it was a kind of stupid question to ask. The money is in your hands the pizza is in my hands. He says, “is that it?” To which I say, “Yes, that’s it.” He left angry and I started to eat my very first pizza. I asked my friends, “Why was he acting so dumb to me?” My friends said, “You’re supposed to leave a tip.” To which I said, “what is a tip?”
There were some moments where my parents prepared me really well in life and other areas where maybe I wasn’t prepared as much as I needed to be. That pizza moment was one of them. You could easily say that was not a home run kind of moment in my life. We are about three weeks into a series called, “Raising Home Run Kids” and the idea with this series is to give our kids what is needed to win in life. We’ve also said, that even if you are not a parent, these foundational principles are key for each of us. This is how we live homerun lives.
So, let’s draw this out. What does a homerun life look like? It starts with home plate. That’s where the game begins. That’s where the pitch is thrown and where you swing the bat. So, in life, it all starts with home plate. Here is the word we have used; connect. It all starts with your connection with Jesus Christ. What you do with Jesus, it impacts all of the other decisions in life. If you want to raise a home run kid, then it starts with your child’s heart and their relationship with Jesus. We want to raise children that are spiritually alive.
After home plate, then it’s time to move forward to first base. At first base, we think about this word; Character. You see, character is based on what you believe and your character comes from your worldview. The same is true of your child. So, as they put their faith in Jesus, we help shape their character to be that of Christ. Last week we said that one of the greatest qualities we can pour into our kids is self-control. We want our kids to understand that they can’t simply do what they feel. None of us can. Doing what we feel is immature and hurts others. So, we teach them, with the Holy Spirit’s help, to respond with self-control. That is real maturity.
Today we slide into second with what we call; community. Yes, we need community and your children need relationships that will build them up. However, I want to look at this a bit differently today. I’d like to talk about showing our kids how to have healthy in relationships. Jesus says it this way:
So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12
That sums up every relationship that you and I will ever have. That principle works in marriage and in parenting. That principle works in sports and business. That principle works in dating and how we interact with others on social media. This is what causes a church to rise up and thrive in a community. So, that brings us to our question. What does a homerun kid look like? A home run kid is a relationally capable kid. Through your leadership, your child learns to put others before themselves. Through your influence, your kids learn to put care for others the way they want to be cared or. Before Jesus says this, look at what else he says. Context is key!
“Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better? Matthew 7:7-11 (MSG)
How do we treat others with love in everything? It comes out of what God does for us. It’s our relationship with him. What did Jesus say? When we ask him, he shows up in our life. In fact, God shows up and gives us the best for our lives. It’s out of all that he does for us and gives to us that we are able to love other people. It’s out of that abundance of what he pours into our lives that we are able to be relationally capable people. We can give like crazy because we know that God will give like crazy to us.
The challenge for your kids, and frankly for all of us, is that we don’t often experience that verse fully. You know why? It’s because we don’t give our everything like Jesus said. Just parts. Let’s draw a nice horizontal line. On top let’s write the word “how” and below let’s write the words, “treat me.” How you treat me. Do you know why we don’t have people treat us the way we want to be treated? We do half (write ½). We expect it but we don't give it. (Draw a horizontal line with the word “How” above the line and the words “treat me” below the line. We say, “I want them to treat me this way.” But that’s not enough. That’s half of the equation.
We have to go further. So, let’s continue the line with these words. Above it I’m going to write, ‘how’ and below the line I’m going to write ‘treat others.’ The only way I experience people treating me the way I want, is I have to go the distance. I have to go the whole distance. We have to treat others first the way that I want to be treated. (Continue the horizontal line to the right. On the right portion of the line draw “how” above the line and “treat others” below the line.) When we go the distance first, then others will reciprocate. You with me?
When I was a kid, this used to drive my dad nuts. He’d give us a job to do like mow the line and we would only do part of it. Mom would ask us to clean our room, and we didn’t do the whole thing. How about unloading the dishwasher? I feel like only doing the top rack. It drove my dad crazy. He would say, “it’s not really done if you only do part of it. You have to do the whole job.” Now my kids do the same thing and it drives me crazy. I say, “it’s not done right unless you do the whole job. Unless you fully do your part.”
Isn’t that what Jesus is saying? Give your everything. Go all out. Treat others with love, respect, compassion, and kindness. You go the full distance because that is what I have done for you. And trust me, when you do it, you will also receive that love, respect, and compassion in your life. We miss out when we give only parts.
So, how can all of us grow in this area and ourselves be relationally capable? How do I raise a relationally capable kid? Let's start with this. One, teach your kids to respect people. This is foundational to how we interact with people, especially if we disagree with them. “Hey kids, we respect everyone.” We teach then to respect their teachers, a police officer and anyone in authority. We teach them to respect other kids that look like them and who don’t look like them. We teach them to respect no matter what kind of clothes those kids wear, how they speak, what kind of money their parents have or what their skin color is. It starts with respect.
Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10
How clear is that? This idea of respect and honoring is based on a more foundational value. The idea that; We value people. Respect and honor grow out of a worldview that says people matter. No matter whether that life is in the womb or whether that life is 85 years old, we value people. But how do we teach that? Over their lifetime and on many occasions, your kids need to see and hear something like this from you. “God created all people. God has a plan for all people. God loves all people. Jesus Christ gave his life for all people. People matter to God. So, people matter to us. We value people because God values people.” Respect will grow in their lives when they see the value of every (say every) life valued by you.
I really believe one of the reasons why we are so mad all the time with one another is we have lost respect for one another. We have lost respect for one another because we don’t value all people like God values people. If we did value people, we would talk to them face to face first rather than to 2-3 other people about them. If we did value people, we would meet them face to face rather than send them a mean email. If we did value people, we wouldn't vomit and accuse others on social media because they have a different view than we do. And guess what? Our kids are watching how we respect and how we value others. They are following our lead.
Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor. 1 Peter 2:17
Now, if you really read that verse thoroughly, it will probably bother some of us. First of all, Peter is talking to who? Jesus followers. “Hey Jesus follower, value and respect everyone.” Then he gives some specifics. Respect those who have faith in Jesus like you do. Even if their worship style is different than you. Even if they are a bit high maintenance. Even if you’re leadership style is not like theirs. Respect them. Who else? Respect God. It all starts with our honor and view of God. That should be a no brainer, right?
Then Peter gets way too nosey and way too personal. The emperor. What? In other words, respect those in authority. Let me challenge you Jesus follower with this passage. We respect those in authority; period. Even the ones you didn’t vote for; no matter what side the aisle. Respect the ones you don’t like. And by the way, let’s remember the early church was persecuted by those in authority? Leaders imprisoned them marginalized them and killed them. And yet Peter says, “Jesus follower respect those in authority because we value everyone. So, we respect the president. Respect the speaker. Respect our governors. Respect our police. Respect our teachers. Respect the clerk at the counter. Respect your kid’s coach even if you think you can do a better job.
You with me so far? I believe one of the greatest ways we can teach respect is teaching our kids the power of respectful words. So parents, here are a few ideas to grow respect in your kids. How about no name-calling? How about not making fun of the bodily features of others? How about no demeaning talk? How about when you use technology, don’t send anything you wouldn’t say to their face. And when we mess up in any part of life, be the first to say this. “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” That shows respect and value to others.
My mom, man she was on this like crazy. She did not like it when we as siblings devalued each other with words. We made the mistake of saying this to one of our siblings; “I hate you.” Oh my goodness. When we said that, my mom went off. She would say something like this. “Don’t you ever say you hate each other. I’m your mother. I love you and I gave birth to you. I’m a part of you and you are a part of me. So when you say you hate each other, you say you are hating me.” My mom was right. We were disrespecting and devaluing one another and ultimately her. If we want to have relationally capable kids, we have to give them the tools of respecting and valuing people; no matter what!
How do I raise a relationally capable kid? Two, Teach them to show compassion to people. We respect people because we value people. We also show people compassion for the same reason.
Live in harmony with each other, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 1 Peter 3.18
There are so many verses that say that over and over again. Jesus saw the crowds of people and he was moved with what? “Compassion.” Paul even comes along and says that we need to “clothe ourselves with compassion.” Put on compassion daily like we would a pair of jeans or our favorite t-shirt.
What makes the area of compassion harder today is the way our culture has hijacked compassion. Culture has been telling us for years, “you know what, if you love someone, you will embrace whatever they do. If you really are compassionate, you will accept their behaviors no matter what. Compassionate people accept the decisions and choices of others, no matter what. No matter the consequences. But is that really true?
Think about it for a moment because it lacks some logic. It even sounds good, but real life doesn't work that way. In fact, let’s play out that view of compassion in the realm of parenting. Let’s talk toddlers for a moment. How many of you have gone through stages where your kid likes to hit? Let’s imagine your 3-year-old lovely child doesn’t like that you took away their toy. In response, they give you a good old smack across the face. Ever happen? Compassion says you love the child and you love the choice, the nice slap, that you just received.
How about the driving years? Let’s go there. Your child has demonstrated some reckless behavior in the car. You’ve parented well and tell them to chill it out. One night with a group of friends, they jump in the car and horse around. They decide to go to the local parking lot and see how fast the car can go. They lose control and hit a light post. They are fine, but the car is in bad shape. Culture’s view of compassion says you love your child and you also love their actions no matter what. If you are compassionate, it was just “kids horsing around.”
In my humble opinion, parents who truly love their kids, don’t embrace those their poor decisions. Does that mean you lack no compassion? No. I truly believe that compassion is so key for our kids to understand and live out. It is Biblical. It is life-giving. The challenge in parenting is that culture keeps moving the goal-posts of the game. They have redefined the rules of compassion. “But Steve, didn’t Jesus love everyone? Didn’t he do have compassion on everyone?” Absolutely. But in every case where Jesus showed compassion, he also stood for truth. He loved people but he didn’t love behaviors that ran contrary to his principles. .
Two of the most often used passages where Jesus demonstrates this is found in the book of John. In one case, a woman is caught in adultery and Jesus shows grace and truth. In another personal experience, Jesus is hanging out a well while his disciple are a way. A woman shows up and as they talk, she willingly admits she’s shacking up with a guy that is not her husband. Eventually, Jesus asks her for a drink. Here is how that went.
The woman was surprised, for Jews refuse to have anything to do with Samaritans. She said to Jesus, “You are a Jew, and I am a Samaritan woman. Why are you asking me for a drink?” John 4:9
Jews and Samaritans, they hated each other. There is little love, much less compassion, that is shown between these two groups of people Yet, Jesus reaches out in a compassionate way. They begin to talk and Jesus talks to her about what it means to spiritually thirst and how that thirst can be quenched. He shares what with her? Truth. She wants what he has to offer and wants to experience what he’s talking about. What would you call that? Compassion. As Jesus is showing compassion, the conversation gets personal and gets into her lifestyle.
“Go and get your husband,” Jesus told her. 17 “I don’t have a husband,” the woman replied. Jesus said, “You’re right! You don’t have a husband— 18 for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now. You certainly spoke the truth!” John 4:16-18
Jesus speaks the truth about her need spiritually but he also speaks the truth about her sin. She’s sleeping around. Jesus doesn’t tiptoe around it. He embraces her without embracing her actions. Jesus again shows us what it means to be full of grace and full of truth. He shows us that you can be compassionate and loving and not agree with something that runs contrary to God’s best for us. So, they keep talking and she is so moved by Jesus that she leaves momentarily and brings a crowd to hear Jesus. There is a transformation that takes place in her life and the crowd of people that she brings. And Jesus does all of this with compassion. Compassion that embraces her, accepts her but he does not embrace her choices. Are you with me?
What Jesus shows us here is how we are called to live as his followers. And if you want to raise home run kinds of kids, our kids need to see that in our lives as well. But what does that even look like? Let me give you a couple of phrases to process through. First, Show others compassion without conforming. You can love that person without being like them or like everyone else. Two, Show others compassion without compromising. You can love someone without compromising on your values. Jesus never conformed and Jesus never compromised, yet was compassionate. All we have to do is follow the example of Jesus.
How do I teach my kids to be compassionate like Jesus? Certainly, this thinking and processing come more into play more as your kids get older, but with younger kids, we lay the framework. How? Tell the stories of Jesus’ grace and truth. Read them over and over again. And when you read the life of Jesus point out both. “Wow, Jesus showed grace right there. He loves him even though he didn’t deserve it.” Point out the truth. “Wow, Jesus sure made it clear what was wrong, but still loved that person. We don’t have to reinvent this. Jesus was perfect in this.
Let’s also do more than read it, let’s live it. How? Be a parent of grace and truth. Your kids will pick up on this more if you live it more so than reading it. Show your kids how to love people no matter what. Show your kids how much you love people but maintain your values. And as they get older, dig into the real struggles that go with a grace and truth life. I believe one of the best things to do that, is to give your kids is a peek into your struggle with this. Just be honest, “I really struggle with showing them grace because of how they treated you and how they treated our family.” How about this way? “Wow, what they did was so wrong and so hurtful. That’s going to make our relationship a mess. But I’m going to love them like Jesus loves me.”
believe another great way to develop compassion in your kids is this; Serve with your kids. Real hands-on experience develops compassion for others. Living and serving on the mission field was hard. But one of the things I most loved about it was I got to serve with my kids. They got to walk into some very uncomfortable situations and care for people. One of my favorite parts about our last missions team to Costa Rica was watching Aaron. I didn’t have to tell him to serve, he just did it. Every day, we’d find him doing something like this in this picture. He’d be sitting down connecting with kids. Talking with kids. They would sit there and take it all in. He was so patient and so loving. That’s compassion.
Guess what? You can do that too. When you serve here at church, have your kids serve with you. Have the teardown with you. When we go out in the community to serve, have them serve with you. Have them pass out a meal. Have them give away a box of groceries. Those actions, with some words, will show them that this is what we do as a family. This is what Jesus followers do.
One last idea. Tell your kids; “I love you but I don’t love what you did.” When kids compromise in an area of life, they need to know you love them first and foremost. Too often, we fail at that point. When they mess up, they need to hear and know that you will always love them. But you know what they also need to clearly hear from you? That action was harmful. That choice was foolish. It might sound like this. “I love you, but the way you treated your sister was wrong and hurtful. You need to ask for forgiveness.” Here’s another. “I love you, but that post, that snap, was damaging and sinful. There is going to be blowback on that, and you will face it”
One more. “I love you but you flat out lied to me. When you break trust, there are consequences.” When we parent this way, we teach them that God loves them, but our actions can grieve the heart of God. Tell them, “I will always love you even if I don’t love your choices.” Jesus did it. You are called to do it. That’s compassion.
“Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God’s Law and Prophets and this is what you get. Matthew 7:12 (MSG)
That is how to live a home run kind of life. It applies to all of us in the room. And it’s how we raise home run kids. Here is something to think through this week. Where is my child more relationally capable? Respect or compassion? What is one thing I will do to help them grow in their weaker area? Where am I more relationally capable? Respect or compassion? What is one thing I need to do to grow in my weaker area?
Let’s take some time to pray and ask God to grow us and help us be people of respect and of compassion. Will you join me?”